1. |
Dave the Fridge
03:04
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My friend Dave is a little bit square, just like a fridge.
My friend Dave hasn’t got any hair, just like a fridge
Dave doesn’t listen to what you say.
He likes to pretend the everything’s OK
Dave keep things the same way everyday, just like a fridge.
My friend Dave is white, just like a fridge
Dave doesn’t wash so he gently hums, just like a fridge.
His light comes on when you open the door.
You can only use Dave for what Dave is for.
Dave at a party is a bit of a bore, just like a fridge.
My friend Dave is cold inside, just like a fridge
But he’s warm if you touch him on the back, just like a fridge
Dave’s Dad’s called Eric and his Mum is Joanne
Whilst travelling in East Asia, their romance began
And that’s how come Dave was made in Japan. Just like a fridge
We thought that Dave would always be alone, just like a fridge
Because Dave is not good at talking to girls, just like a fridge.
But then he found someone to call his own
We finally met her when he brought her home
But she could not quite fit into the living room, because she was massive,
just like a fridge.
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2. |
Mum Song
04:11
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I’ve known you from since before I was born,
Since I was a deposit not yet withdraw
Before I was outside, I was inside you
Not nice to think about, but uncomfortably true
You’ve told me many times the story of my birth
I was difficult to push out, due to my girth
You said it hurt quite a lot, and though mainly free from glitches
It made quite a mess of you, you had loads of stitches
Then you took me home with my dad to our nest
You dressed and undressed me in a range of vests
You deciphered my cries and non-verbal requests
And I showed a lot of interest in your breasts
And though I can’t remember it can’t be denied
You must have down alright because I’m still alive
I survived it all, sore throats, chicken pox and coughs
And when you left me in the car with the handbrake off.
On a hill.
You are my mum
A little wise a little dumb
Unaware of the way that things are done
This is song for you my mum.
Some things you did messed my brain about
You should not have dressed me in girl’s clothes just to try it out
When people came ‘round you’d get out the photographs
And showed them baby pictures of me naked or in the bath
And though you were aware of my embarrassment with nudity
You still made attempts to monitor me through puberty
It’s enough to deal with starting to grow pubic hair and cum
Without foiling the attempts at spying by your mum
And I remember the first that you met my future wife
I was conscious that you had the power to wreck my life
When you started on breast-feeding, I almost had a fit
You told her that I breastfed till old enough to ask for it.
You are my mum,
It’s too late now the damage is done
It’s too late for social services to come
This is a song for you my mum.
They day may come when it will be me who cares for you
Not nice to think about uncomfortably true
No matter what I’ll make sure you’ll never be alone
Either come and live with us, or we could put you in a home.
If I ever make some money, I’ll pull out all the stops
I’ll buy you expensive things like yachts and Lamp Chops
But I don’t think that would change the lifestyle you’d adopt
You still love a bargain from the charity shops
Even though you’ve got the softest heart that really bleeds
You’ll still do your impression of someone with special needs
No matter what you’re still that girl off the estate
You still act 17 despite your increased age and weight
You are my mum
A little wise a little dumb
A little bit posh a little bit scum
This is a song for you my mum
You are my mum
Maybe the best is yet to come
Now I see you care for my son
Full circle now this song is done
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3. |
Don't Go Out With
04:02
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Don’t go out with a Policeman
It’s a risk you shouldn’t take
He’ll jump to wrong conclusions
And then shoot you by mistake
Don’t go out with a Prisoner
Even though he’s good by text
Despite his good behaviour
When he’s out you will be next
Don’t go out with the drug dealer
Think where he’ll hide the stash
He’ll get it all through customs
By sticking it up your ass.
Don’t go out with a Fireman
Though he may look good in the noddy
The day may come when you have to
Identify that body.
I don’t want to be negative
but I’m trying to make you see
There’s one guy you should be with
And that one guy is me.
Don’t go out with an Astronaut
That’s all so last century
He’ll spend all his time in orbit
Then burn up upon re-entry
Don’t go out with a Postman
He’ll make you wait in line
He’s obsessed with the size of his package
And he never comes on time.
Don’t go out with an IT man
Cause whenever things go wrong
He’ll try to turn you off
And then turn you back on
Don’t go out with an ice cream man
You’ll be alone on sunny days
You know he’s going to leave you
When ever his music plays
Don’t go out with a politician
Don’t fall for his pretenses
He’ll sell his soul to satan
Then claim a new one on expenses
Don’t go out with a banker
He’s got no cash to loan us
It’s gone down now he can’t get it up
He’s obsessed with size of his bonus
Don’t go out with a shoe maker
All his work is done by elves
He exploits those little guys when they
should he should be doing it Himself
Don’t go out with footballer
He’ll share you with his friends
He can’t make love without company
At half time they’ll change ends.
Go out with a Comedian
Because if you never see him
It’s not because he doesn’t care
Its because he works in the evening
Go out with a Comedian
He’ll spend all your hard earned money
He’ll spout a stream of endless drivel
And then ask you if it’s funny.
If you don’t find him attractive
There are more important things
If you think his jokes are stupid
Maybe you’ll like it when he sings
Go out with a comedian
You’ll get true love and affection
But you’ll have to make the first move
Because he’s on the autistic spectrum
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4. |
||||
This car is the best car I’ve ever had
It got me off of heroin
And reconciled me with my dad
It drives really fast
And it makes me feel good, yeah
This car is the best car
I’ve ever had
Best car
This songs could be used in adverts x2
This drink is the best drink I’ve ever drank
It makes me feel invincible
Like I could rob a bank
This drink makes me feel
like I could kill and not get caught, yeah
This drink is the best drink
I ever drank
Best drink
This song could be used in Adverts x2
This bra is the best bra I’ve bought
It makes me feel attractive and it offers me support
My boobs used to look rubbish
Now they look massive and taught, yeah
This bra is the best bra
I ever bought
Best bra
This song could be used in Adverts x2
We’ll improve ourselves with purchasing
When all around is worsening
Though others are dispersing
We’ll refuse to tighten our purse strings
We’ll prove wealth can be virtuous
If we consume it’ll nurture us.
Your arguments are lost on us
Join us and you’ll be prosperous
Best Car
This song could be used in Adverts
Best Drink
This song could be used in Adverts
Best Bra
This song could be used in Adverts
This Song is the best song you’ve ever heard
You love the rhythm and the tune
And you’re crazy about the words
This song is the best thing
That’s happened in you life, yeah
This song is the best song
You’ve ever heard.
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5. |
Third World Girl
04:39
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I want to say I love you, but I don’t have the right words.
To say that I don’t care that you were born in the third world
I love the way you look I love your hair I love your eyes
It doesn’t bother me that you’re from somewhere uncivilised.
I don’t mean uncivilised it’s just you don’t have the stuff
That someone from round here would need to feel they had enough.
I’ve seen people on telly in the squalor and the flies
But if you get used to it I’m sure it’s really nice
I don’t know if you’re from somewhere that has clean drinking water
I don’t know how many cows to offer your father for his daughter
But of all the girls I’ve know you are the one that I’ve preferred
I want to say I love you, but I don’t have the right words.
My third world Girl
I’d cross the world to see you
I just want to be near you
Your worth the world to me
Even though you’re
from somewhere really poor
To me your worth much more
Your worth the world to me
I want to say I love you but I don’t know the right words.
I’m sometimes inappropriate but it’s just based of things I’ve heard
Like what’s it like to live somewhere with really dangerous animals
If someone really nice then are you scared that they’re a cannibal
I’ve always tried to help to understand and to show kindness
I did a bring and buy sale to help combat river blindness.
I always feel real guilty when I throw out excess food
But sending leftovers to Oxfam seems impractical and rude.
I’m scared of saying something that will make your feelings fade
Like when I asked if everyone that you know has got AIDs
That is just the kind of thing that they tell us over here
I may be kind of ignorant but I’m not insincere
I want to say I love you but I don’t know the right words.
To keep everything I’ve got but to lose you would be absurd
We can not let the gap between rich and poor keep us apart
You can share my ipod, if you’ll give me your heart
I know that it’s not just that your leaders are corrupt
I know that our colonies and greed have fucked you up
But I need you to trust me now that I won’t do the same
We’ll take on all our history if you will take my name
I will happily walk around with no shoes upon my feet
I’ll come live somewhere where it’s unsafe to walk the street
I’ll promise to be with you till the end monsoon or shine
Even though your life expectancy’s much lower than mine
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Gareth Richards Bournemouth, UK
I am a comedian singer-songwriter and I play a weird instrument called the Q-Chord. Edinburgh Comedy Award Best Newcomer
Nominee 2010. Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio Show every now and then.
I'm always gigging. Usually at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August. Influences include: Bob Dylan, Blur, Billy Connolly Neil Young, Mitch Headberg, Pulp, Daniel Johnston, Bill Hicks, Lourde, Kanye West.
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