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These Songs Could be Used in Adverts EP

by Gareth Richards

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  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    The Download includes Demos and alternative versions of Dave the Fridge and Third World Girl produced but Tom Caruana
    Purchasable with gift card

      £4 GBP  or more

     

1.
My friend Dave is a little bit square, just like a fridge. My friend Dave hasn’t got any hair, just like a fridge Dave doesn’t listen to what you say. He likes to pretend the everything’s OK Dave keep things the same way everyday, just like a fridge. My friend Dave is white, just like a fridge Dave doesn’t wash so he gently hums, just like a fridge. His light comes on when you open the door. You can only use Dave for what Dave is for. Dave at a party is a bit of a bore, just like a fridge. My friend Dave is cold inside, just like a fridge But he’s warm if you touch him on the back, just like a fridge Dave’s Dad’s called Eric and his Mum is Joanne Whilst travelling in East Asia, their romance began And that’s how come Dave was made in Japan. Just like a fridge We thought that Dave would always be alone, just like a fridge Because Dave is not good at talking to girls, just like a fridge. But then he found someone to call his own We finally met her when he brought her home But she could not quite fit into the living room, because she was massive, just like a fridge.
2.
Mum Song 04:11
I’ve known you from since before I was born, Since I was a deposit not yet withdraw Before I was outside, I was inside you Not nice to think about, but uncomfortably true You’ve told me many times the story of my birth I was difficult to push out, due to my girth You said it hurt quite a lot, and though mainly free from glitches It made quite a mess of you, you had loads of stitches Then you took me home with my dad to our nest You dressed and undressed me in a range of vests You deciphered my cries and non-verbal requests And I showed a lot of interest in your breasts And though I can’t remember it can’t be denied You must have down alright because I’m still alive I survived it all, sore throats, chicken pox and coughs And when you left me in the car with the handbrake off. On a hill. You are my mum A little wise a little dumb Unaware of the way that things are done This is song for you my mum. Some things you did messed my brain about You should not have dressed me in girl’s clothes just to try it out When people came ‘round you’d get out the photographs And showed them baby pictures of me naked or in the bath And though you were aware of my embarrassment with nudity You still made attempts to monitor me through puberty It’s enough to deal with starting to grow pubic hair and cum Without foiling the attempts at spying by your mum And I remember the first that you met my future wife I was conscious that you had the power to wreck my life When you started on breast-feeding, I almost had a fit You told her that I breastfed till old enough to ask for it. You are my mum, It’s too late now the damage is done It’s too late for social services to come This is a song for you my mum. They day may come when it will be me who cares for you Not nice to think about uncomfortably true No matter what I’ll make sure you’ll never be alone Either come and live with us, or we could put you in a home. If I ever make some money, I’ll pull out all the stops I’ll buy you expensive things like yachts and Lamp Chops But I don’t think that would change the lifestyle you’d adopt You still love a bargain from the charity shops Even though you’ve got the softest heart that really bleeds You’ll still do your impression of someone with special needs No matter what you’re still that girl off the estate You still act 17 despite your increased age and weight You are my mum A little wise a little dumb A little bit posh a little bit scum This is a song for you my mum You are my mum Maybe the best is yet to come Now I see you care for my son Full circle now this song is done
3.
Don’t go out with a Policeman It’s a risk you shouldn’t take He’ll jump to wrong conclusions And then shoot you by mistake Don’t go out with a Prisoner Even though he’s good by text Despite his good behaviour When he’s out you will be next Don’t go out with the drug dealer Think where he’ll hide the stash He’ll get it all through customs By sticking it up your ass. Don’t go out with a Fireman Though he may look good in the noddy The day may come when you have to Identify that body. I don’t want to be negative but I’m trying to make you see There’s one guy you should be with And that one guy is me. Don’t go out with an Astronaut That’s all so last century He’ll spend all his time in orbit Then burn up upon re-entry Don’t go out with a Postman He’ll make you wait in line He’s obsessed with the size of his package And he never comes on time. Don’t go out with an IT man Cause whenever things go wrong He’ll try to turn you off And then turn you back on Don’t go out with an ice cream man You’ll be alone on sunny days You know he’s going to leave you When ever his music plays Don’t go out with a politician Don’t fall for his pretenses He’ll sell his soul to satan Then claim a new one on expenses Don’t go out with a banker He’s got no cash to loan us It’s gone down now he can’t get it up He’s obsessed with size of his bonus Don’t go out with a shoe maker All his work is done by elves He exploits those little guys when they should he should be doing it Himself Don’t go out with footballer He’ll share you with his friends He can’t make love without company At half time they’ll change ends. Go out with a Comedian Because if you never see him It’s not because he doesn’t care Its because he works in the evening Go out with a Comedian He’ll spend all your hard earned money He’ll spout a stream of endless drivel And then ask you if it’s funny. If you don’t find him attractive There are more important things If you think his jokes are stupid Maybe you’ll like it when he sings Go out with a comedian You’ll get true love and affection But you’ll have to make the first move Because he’s on the autistic spectrum
4.
This car is the best car I’ve ever had It got me off of heroin And reconciled me with my dad It drives really fast And it makes me feel good, yeah This car is the best car I’ve ever had Best car This songs could be used in adverts x2 This drink is the best drink I’ve ever drank It makes me feel invincible Like I could rob a bank This drink makes me feel like I could kill and not get caught, yeah This drink is the best drink I ever drank Best drink This song could be used in Adverts x2 This bra is the best bra I’ve bought It makes me feel attractive and it offers me support My boobs used to look rubbish Now they look massive and taught, yeah This bra is the best bra I ever bought Best bra This song could be used in Adverts x2 We’ll improve ourselves with purchasing When all around is worsening Though others are dispersing We’ll refuse to tighten our purse strings We’ll prove wealth can be virtuous If we consume it’ll nurture us. Your arguments are lost on us Join us and you’ll be prosperous Best Car This song could be used in Adverts Best Drink This song could be used in Adverts Best Bra This song could be used in Adverts This Song is the best song you’ve ever heard You love the rhythm and the tune And you’re crazy about the words This song is the best thing That’s happened in you life, yeah This song is the best song You’ve ever heard.
5.
I want to say I love you, but I don’t have the right words. To say that I don’t care that you were born in the third world I love the way you look I love your hair I love your eyes It doesn’t bother me that you’re from somewhere uncivilised. I don’t mean uncivilised it’s just you don’t have the stuff That someone from round here would need to feel they had enough. I’ve seen people on telly in the squalor and the flies But if you get used to it I’m sure it’s really nice I don’t know if you’re from somewhere that has clean drinking water I don’t know how many cows to offer your father for his daughter But of all the girls I’ve know you are the one that I’ve preferred I want to say I love you, but I don’t have the right words. My third world Girl I’d cross the world to see you I just want to be near you Your worth the world to me Even though you’re from somewhere really poor To me your worth much more Your worth the world to me I want to say I love you but I don’t know the right words. I’m sometimes inappropriate but it’s just based of things I’ve heard Like what’s it like to live somewhere with really dangerous animals If someone really nice then are you scared that they’re a cannibal I’ve always tried to help to understand and to show kindness I did a bring and buy sale to help combat river blindness. I always feel real guilty when I throw out excess food But sending leftovers to Oxfam seems impractical and rude. I’m scared of saying something that will make your feelings fade Like when I asked if everyone that you know has got AIDs That is just the kind of thing that they tell us over here I may be kind of ignorant but I’m not insincere I want to say I love you but I don’t know the right words. To keep everything I’ve got but to lose you would be absurd We can not let the gap between rich and poor keep us apart You can share my ipod, if you’ll give me your heart I know that it’s not just that your leaders are corrupt I know that our colonies and greed have fucked you up But I need you to trust me now that I won’t do the same We’ll take on all our history if you will take my name I will happily walk around with no shoes upon my feet I’ll come live somewhere where it’s unsafe to walk the street I’ll promise to be with you till the end monsoon or shine Even though your life expectancy’s much lower than mine

about

This is the EP I made of the songs from my first Edinburgh Fringe Show, "Stand Up Between Songs" in 2010. I had CDs made and I sold them after the show and very few people bought them. This was very discouraging and I never tried it again. I was nominated for the Edinburgh Comedy Award for Best Newcomer for that show which was life changing and gave me a career in comedy.

Third World Girl did not feature in the show and I've rarely performed it live but I love it and is a good example of what I try to do with musical comedy. It's a really good song which has something to say and it's very funny.

My childhood friend Peter Cochrane produced the songs for me in his studio in Kilburn, North London and did an excellent job. He was very cool and was in proper bands. He played bass for Amy Winehouse and nearly made it big in the band Palladium. They supported Mika on tour. He'd turn up in really cool outfits. One day he'd be in leathers like a biker with a chain around his neck. Another day he'd turn up in a cream suit like David Bowie.

I get really anxious in the creative process when working with other people and I'm very worried about hurting people's feelings when expressing opinions. I can remember getting very uptight about whether we'd get everything done as I was paying Peter a daily rate for a week which I couldn't really afford but he was very nice about it and said not to worry if we went over time.

I performed Dave the Fridge on BBC 3 on Russell Howard's Good News in 2011. You can see the video on You Tube. In this version I try to sing a bit like Morrissey which is a strange choice in retrospect. I think in the recording process I wasn't confident enough to just be me, for it to sound like I do when I'm performing live, and tried to sound like other things.

My mum loves the Mum Song and plays it to anyone who comes round which I think is weird because, though sweet and sentimental, it's actually quite critical.

I performed an edited version of Don't Go out With on Live at the Electric on BBC 3. You can see it on You Tube. The producer said that I didn't have to edit it if I didn't want, but then told me the verses he thought I should take out. In the end they edited it in post-production and messed up the order so the chord progression didn't work. The wardrobe lady was obsessed with getting me to wear a horrible pink checked shirt from Gap which I hated. You can see that I'm wearing it on the video. If I ever appear on TV again I will insist on wearing something I don't hate. She also wanted me to take off my wedding ring because the song is from the point of view of someone who is not married, which is really stupid because everyone knows song aren't literally true. Just because you're saying you're happy and you know it, it doesn't mean you really are, however much you clap your hands.

In this version of Don't Go Out With we have done an insane reggae version which I actually kind of love, although it is not how I perform it live. It reminds me of Bob Dylan's crazy version of Shelter from the storm which he did live

This Song Could be Used in Adverts is inspired by my favourite band Blur. The comedian Josh Widdecombe once told me he loved that song and thought it sounded like Blur. I was very happy. I remember this song got a good review in the show at the time which I realise in myself gives me and extra fondness for it, but it shouldn't. I have since stopped reading reviews and encourage you to do the same. Do what you do. It might not be perfect but you're working it out, and frankly that's none of anybody else's business. If people like what you do and get something out of it then that's great. If people don't then that's not your problem, it's their job to find what they like.

I hope to be putting out more material soon. I like the version of myself that was excited and creative enough to produce an EP even though it was my first show. I should have carried on doing that, no matter what anybody else said.

credits

released May 3, 2020

By Gareth Richards
Produced by Peter Cochrane

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Gareth Richards Bournemouth, UK

I am a comedian singer-songwriter and I play a weird instrument called the Q-Chord. Edinburgh Comedy Award Best Newcomer Nominee 2010. Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio Show every now and then.
I'm always gigging. Usually at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August. Influences include: Bob Dylan, Blur, Billy Connolly Neil Young, Mitch Headberg, Pulp, Daniel Johnston, Bill Hicks, Lourde, Kanye West.
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