I’ve known you from since before I was born,
Since I was a deposit not yet withdraw
Before I was outside, I was inside you
Not nice to think about, but uncomfortably true

You’ve told me many times the story of my birth
I was difficult to push out, due to my girth
You said it hurt quite a lot, and though mainly free from glitches
It made quite a mess of you, you had loads of stitches

Then you took me home with my dad to our nest
You dressed and undressed me in a range of vests
You deciphered my cries and non-verbal requests
And I showed a lot of interest in your breasts

And though I can’t remember it can’t be denied
You must have down alright because I’m still alive
I survived it all, sore throats, chicken pox and coughs
And when you left me in the car with the handbrake off.
On a hill.

You are my mum
A little wise a little dumb
Unaware of the way that things are done
This is song for you my mum.

Some things you did messed my brain about
You should not have dressed me in girl’s clothes just to try it out
When people came ‘round you’d get out the photographs
And showed them baby pictures of me naked or in the bath

And though you were aware of my embarrassment with nudity
You still made attempts to monitor me through puberty
It’s enough to deal with starting to grow pubic hair and cum
Without foiling the attempts at spying by your mum

And I remember the first that you met my future wife
I was conscious that you had the power to wreck my life
When you started on breast-feeding, I almost had a fit
You told her that I breastfed till old enough to ask for it.

You are my mum,
It’s too late now the damage is done
It’s too late for social services to come
This is a song for you my mum.





They day may come when it will be me who cares for you
Not nice to think about uncomfortably true
No matter what I’ll make sure you’ll never be alone
Either come and live with us, or we could put you in a home.

If I ever make some money, I’ll pull out all the stops
I’ll buy you expensive things like yachts and Lamp Chops
But I don’t think that would change the lifestyle you’d adopt
You still love a bargain from the charity shops

Even though you’ve got the softest heart that really bleeds
You’ll still do your impression of someone with special needs
No matter what you’re still that girl off the estate
You still act 17 despite your increased age and weight

You are my mum
A little wise a little dumb
A little bit posh a little bit scum
This is a song for you my mum
You are my mum
Maybe the best is yet to come
Now I see you care for my son
Full circle now this song is done